I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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