I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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