i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
