i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
