Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
