Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
