What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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