They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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