Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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