im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
