Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
