I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
