I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
