My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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