I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
