The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
