well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
