So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
