I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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