I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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