Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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