now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
