You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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