I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
