I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
