In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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