I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
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You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
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there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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