new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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