just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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