I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no