barbara walters just said penis...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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