Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The air was thick with penises
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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