i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
