apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped