i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.