hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
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Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
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Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her