i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED