You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
