i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
