By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
