So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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