so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
