I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
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