A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dignity is for republicans.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
