i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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