i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
4 words: hood of his car
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
