I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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