masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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