I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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