I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
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she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
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She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize