Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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