Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
