well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
