you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
