this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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