I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
