just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
