When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
