Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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