why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
